He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
