remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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