I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
