You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
