My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
