What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
