Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
