ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
