Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
