I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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