No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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