ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
