When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
