If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think your dad took our porno
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
