I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
