Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
