TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
