He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Pants are for mortals
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
