Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
