once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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