My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
