You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
