wake up i wanna do it froggy style
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
