It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
