I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
