I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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