so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
