I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
