Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
