I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize