so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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