I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
