I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
