Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
