What did we do last night that was yellow?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
