birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
