We're facebook friends in real life
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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