He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
