You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
