ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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