I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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