Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
