Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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