We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
