I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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