You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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