Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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