I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
