I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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