3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
