someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We named our party play list daddy issues
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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