i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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