I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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