there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
