just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
