I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
