I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
