Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
