woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
