I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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