Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
