Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
