Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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